Knock knock.

My kids do not get knock knock jokes. Bless their little hearts, they try so hard. They must find it confusing, too, because I will laugh because their jokes make no sense and they must think I'm laughing because their jokes are funny. They are always doing knock knock jokes in the car, or in group situations. Connor was at a soccer clinic and they sat around telling jokes for a little bit. Connor told me that he told a bunch of knock knock jokes, but the kids didn't laugh and only a couple of adults laughed. (Pity laugh, I'm sure.) My dad told me I really need to teach them how knock knock jokes work, and I've tried, but they just don't get it. I will have to ask them to tell me some jokes that I can write down later. Kaytlynns knock knock joke: K: Knock knock Me Who's there? K:funny eyeball Me: Funny eyeball who? K: Funny eyeball, you're laughing in your mouth, funny eyeball! knock, knock who's there? peach peach who? peach, peach, peach, get out of that ear! knock, knock who's there feet feet who? feet, feet, feet! Get out of that nose! And stop eating those boogers! knock, knock who's there? e e who? e is going in the waves in the nose in the mouth in the eyeballs in the ears. Goes down her mouth. knock, knock, who's there? nanna nanna who? banana who? banana who? somebody comes walking in the door and slips on the banana (Connor says this isn't funny and he can't feel the funniness and some of Kaytlynns are very long) Connor knock, knock who's there? jokester jokester who? jokester you! knock, knock whos there? orange orange who? orange strike! knock, knock who's there? pie pie who? pie splat! knock, knock who's there/ hammer hammer who? hammerhead knock, knock whos there bowling bowling who bowling strikes Josh's knock knock jokes: Knock, knock. Who's there? banana banana who? banana poo knock, knock, who's there? shark shark who knock, knock whos there? shark shark who? knock, knock whos there shark shark who? aren't you glad I didn't say shark again? knock, knock whos there clock clock who click clock, click clock knock knock whos there I I who One little eye swinging in the swing, one little eye, swinging in the swing. Olivias joke told by connor knock, knock whos there orange orange who knock knock whos there orange orange who knock knock whos there orange orange who aren't you glad I didn't say orange again?

Connor became a real reader last week

So I can pinpoint exactly when Josh became a real reader, and now Connor is a real reader, too. I can't remember which book it was, but Connor was reading it in the car and wanted to take it everywhere with him just in case he had some extra time to read it. He went downstairs to his room and read. He read a 98 page book in a day. He did tell me that he just skimmed over some of the pages because he really wanted to see what happened at the end. But, yay Connor!

Motherhood

Motherhood. Yikes. Anybody who is reading this blog probably knows me pretty well, so you are probably not going to be surprised that I do not feel like one of those natural born mothers. And I find it very hard to be a mother. And I do not pretend to be one of those moms who is so thankful for every precious moment spent with her child. I think there are moms who do appreciate every precious moment, and there are moms who don't, but are lying to themselves and others, and there are moms like me who don't lie about it, much to the detriment of her kids. There are some women whose dreams and aspirations are to get married and have kids. I knew that I eventually wanted to get married and have kids, but I did not have that thought plaguing my mind, like some girls. I was very happy and content with my life. VERY.

I graduated from BYU, so I was done with stressful school. I had a job that I loved working Nightwatch at Heritage Schools. I have always been a night person, so this job was ideal for me. I was working overtime most the time and paying off my student loans really quickly. I would go out and paint addresses on curbs for extra money when I had time. I could live on $500 a month. My car was paid off, my job was flexible, I had lots of great friends.....Life was good. I would work for 8 nights straight and then have 6 nights off, so every other week I would take a trip somewhere. Virginia, Chicago, Hawaii, Peru, California, Wyoming, Texas, Vegas, Wendover, Southern Utah, cruises to The Bahamas, Florida Keys, Belize, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, Cozumel......It was fabulous. In the winter I had season passes to Brighton or The Canyons in Park City, and some weeks I was going snowboarding 5 times a week. I had street hockey friends. Midnight street hockey was good fun. I was going out on lots of dates and with many groups of friends. I would scuba dive, snowboard, sky dive, hike, and camp. If I ever had a night off when I wasn't on a trip, I would usually go camping. I had my camping gear in the trunk of my car in the summer and my snowboarding gear in my trunk in the winter. I was healthy and happy.

I wanted to work out of the country, so I got a job with the Navy MWR in Bahrain--a small island country in the Middle East in the Persian Gulf by Saudi Arabia. It was there that I met my hubby. I seriously was not looking for a husband. I had big plans to go to that Navy base in Bahrain with 5,000 single guys, and to have a date for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I was going to save all my per diem and have all my food paid for. Everything was going according to plan. I did have dates for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until one week after I got there. I met Brad at a club in Bahrain and he told me I could either kiss all the other guys out there, or I could kiss him. But it was either him or them. I chose him, thinking that I could always change my mind. We spent as much time as we could together and I knew he was my second chance. I had blown my first chance and couldn't find anyone who could even compare until I met Brad 2 1/2 years later. And I went out with lots of guys. I met great guys on almost every trip I went on. I knew I was one lucky girl and if I blew this one, I may not ever have a 3rd chance. So I took it. I knew in my heart I needed to be with this guy, but I also knew that I would probably just go back home and let him go if we didn't have something serious attaching us together--like marriage, or Josh. Brad knew, too, even faster than I knew (after a week!) We didn't know how getting married in a country like Bahrain would work, so we chose Josh.

And that's how I got to motherhood. And I tell you, people, it is hard! It's so hard to go from the life that I had that was all about me, to being a mom. Your life is not all about you any more. Not at all. The most it is about you anymore is keeping you alive so you can take care of your baby. EVERYTHING in your life changes. Sleeping, eating, working, your body, traveling. I don't know if anyone is really ever totally prepared for this. Some women want it more than others, and some women don't make as many huge life changes as I did. But I think it must be hard for everyone. You kind of hear about what a life changer it is in little bits and pieces, but you can't really grasp it until it happens. Suddenly not only are the big things in your life changed, but you can't even really go to the bathroom by yourself. I think it is a big change for men, too, but not as big as it is for women. We lose our bodies and our health, really, and then we lose our freedom. Since having kids, I have felt like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have very rarely felt the feeling of freedom in the last 8 years. You can't even run out for 5 minutes to grab a drink from the gas station. You can't do anything alone. Even if you prep for it and try to do something without dragging this little person along, they usually mess it up somehow. The kid is hungry or gets sick. You can't just pass this kid off to someone else. He is YOURS. YOU have to take care of him, no matter what. It is almost like the person you were has died, but it is not okay to mourn. You have a totally different identity. I used to be fun and funny and fit, dangit! Not any more.

I love my kids, I really do. I think it would be really lonely to get up in the morning and not hear them singing silly songs to themselves or hear Josh peeing like a race horse and laughing at how much room his bladder must take up in that skinny little body of his. It would be hard to go back to my old identity again if I suddenly didn't have kids. I think I would be very lonely not having 3 kids trying to grab a ride on my foot or hanging onto my shirt so I can pull them around on roller blades everywhere I go to do chores in the house. The feeling of freedom would be so nice, though, and I am looking forward to the day when I don't have to take my kids with me every where I go (getting them all ready and fed and out in the car on time is a beast!) I can't wait. I always say that I do not know if I would do it again if I knew how hard it was going to be, if I didn't know my kids. Now that I know them, I'd have to do it again, but if I didn't know them, I don't know if I would. I do miss my old life. Sigh......

Melissa

My very good friend, Melissa, died on January 5th. She was 30 years old and left behind an awesome husband, Danny, and their little 4 year old, Sammy. I am not so good with death. I'm very selfish because I feel so sorry for myself and that I won't have them in my life anymore. I feel so heartbroken for the families they leave and just can't imagine the horror of having something like that happen. It makes me scared that something will happen to Brad or one of my kids, and I seriously think I'd go crazy. I don't think I'd be able to get up out of bed. I don't think it has totally hit me yet, even though I've done plenty of crying. I'm not even sure if the death of my cousin 15 years ago has even really sunk in. Every time I really think about it, it just blows my mind and I can only think that thought for a second, then my mind just forces it out because I can't handle it.

I am missing Melissa and will continue to miss her throughout my life. She was probably the best friend anybody could ever ask for. She had cancer and chemo twice, and I think that gave her a really good idea of what is truly important, because that's how she lived. The most important thing to her were people. Her family and her friends. And everybody could tell by her actions that she knew that was the most important thing in life. We were roommates for about a year, I think. She was always making little craft projects and cookies for her friends. She would send packages home (Southern California) all the time. She spent a good amount of time with her friends--I was one of the lucky ones to get so much of her time--and she was on the phone A LOT talking with her friends. When she moved back to California, we were on the phone a lot and had the best conversations. Deep conversations where we really got to know each other and funny thrown into all of them. Man, was that girl funny!!!!! She made me laugh so much and so hard. Even when I was having a sucky day, she still made me laugh. She made me laugh when SHE was having a sucky day.

I had knee surgery shortly after she moved in and I thought it was so sweet because when I got home, she had bought a bouquet of flowers for me and she helped take care of me even though she thought I was kind of a jerk because I just stayed in my room and didn't help her when she was moving in. (I was working a night job and sleeping during the day, but I really should have helped her. I was just being lazy.) She also thought I was on speed because I never slept and I was always cleaning. She told her friends back home that her roommate was on speed! I had a lot of fun with her as my roommate. After she moved back to California, she came back to Utah (even though she is not a fan of Utah--except for the Jazz) to visit a few times. She treated it like a 10 hour drive was no problem at all and then she would always bring gifts for everyone she stayed with and she would make cookies to take around to all her friends. After I moved to Scotland and Josh was born, we had to come back for immigration stuff when Josh was 4 months old and we went to Northern California and Melissa flew up to see us. She made me feel so good because she didn't care that we didn't do anything but stare at Josh all day. I still feel like she had a love for him that was as close as you could get to my love for him. Sometimes I thought about it and felt like maybe she loved him even more than I loved him. It really makes you feel so good when somebody loves your kids like you love them. She just wanted to stare at him all day. She always said my kids were the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th cutest kids in the world, right behind Sammy. I'm sure she said that about all her friends kids, but still.

After we moved back to Utah, she came to visit just after Connor was born, and again awhile after Kaytlynn and Sammy were born. She met me and Brad in Vegas when we got engaged so she could meet Brad, and she met us briefly at a gas station in Southern California when she was pregnant with Sammy. That's when I met Danny, and instantly loved him! I'm so glad Melissa married Danny. He is such a great guy. She dragged Sammy and Danny to Utah to visit, and Danny was like-"Why Utah?" but came because Melissa said they needed to visit us. Melissa and Danny together=a non stop laugh fest. When Brad and I went on our Mexican Riviera cruise, Melissa and Danny drove all the way to the Long Beach airport to pick us up and then we spent the night with them at a hotel and they drove us to the port the next day. Melissa gave me some all natural stuff to help me sleep because she was concerned about me taking Ambien. She was always doing thoughtful things--sending packages in the mail or encouraging me to do things to make Brad happy. Like cook for him. When I mentioned that I should try couponing, she left me a super long voicemail message telling me exactly how to do it. She was just so thoughtful and loving and caring. Such a good friend.

After her second round of chemo, the doctor said Melissa would not be able to have kids, and then she had Sammy. She looked so cute pregnant! I thought I got a picture, but I couldn't find it. Sammy was a miracle baby, and Melissa was such a good mom. And she was such a good wife. And sister, and daughter. And cousin and friend. I miss that lady!

The Nutcracker

I took Kaytlynn to the Nutcracker ballet in Salt Lake. My mom took me when I was younger a couple of Christmases and Jim took me and Amy when we were in Scotland. I thought it could be a nice little Christmas mom and daughter tradition. She wasn't quite ready for it. She was antsy after 45 minutes and kept moving around. She asked a few times if those were real people. I said yes and she asked "Like on TV?" I'm not sure why she hasn't grasped the concept. She used to be in dance and was in a recital on a big stage, and we've been to plenty of live shows.....Near the end I asked if she was hungry, and she said loudly "No, mom. I just ate some boogers." She was saying she wanted to go home. When we packed up to go to the bathroom, I was ready to take her away, but then she didn't want me to miss the rest. On the way home, I was thinking never again, but then Kaytlynn said that we needed to go again next time to see the parts we missed while we were in the bathroom. So maybe we will try again next year.

Dream

I had a dream that I wanted to record and I didn't know where else to do it. I was driving the Subaru in Salt Lake. I think I had taken someone to the airport or something. I was alone and for some reason I was a little lost. I thought I knew about where I was and I got off an exit or turned on a street or something. I thought it would take me to I-215. It just took me to a street, not the freeway. For some reason I was on the West side of I-215, kind of close to where I lived when I was younger--by Becky Rabigers dads house or Janessas house in Kearns or Murray. I kept thinking I saw signs for I-80 or I-215 on the roads to the side of me, so I kept trying to look a little better while still driving and shifting and turning. I think one time one sign looked like it said I-7. I kept thinking I knew where I was and if I turned onto a street it would take me to the freeway. I was trying to look back to see a sign and I turned right at a green light and kind of gunned it (The Subaru has some pretty good power and speeds up really quick. I think I was just a bit frustrated and kind of driving it like a race car) right into the water. I had just a split second to wonder what the pretty blue sparkly ocean was doing in Salt Lake and why they would make a very short street that drove right into it with no chain or sign or anything. Like a boat ramp. It seemed like the ocean, like in Long Beach or Huntington Beach. It was sparkly blue like that. But there were buildings on the other side, so like the San Francisco Bay. The buildings were actually pretty close, but they seemed like they were pretty distant. So I drove straight into the water. I didn't have any time to put on the brakes or anything. I said "No Way!" as the water started pouring into the car. For a second I just sat there, cold and feeling like my clothes were really heavy because they were wet, and I thought for just a second about giving up and going down with the car. Then I wondered if it would be a struggle and really hard to open the door the further the car went down into the water and thought that I had better make a decision really quick just in case. I wanted to just sit there for a second all dejected and feeling like it wasn't fair and I thought about my purse and how I was going to lose everything in it and how my new phone that Brad got me for Christmas wouldn't work and how we'd lose our car and if it was worth even trying to get out. I thought about the kids and figured I'd better buck up and get out and then I woke up.

Josh turned into a real reader yesterday.

Well, it has happened, and it happened in a snap. Yesterday Josh went to the school library. They go each Tuesday and can pick out two new books. He picked out his first chapter book without pictures. It is book #45, A Crazy Day With Cobras, in The Magic Tree House series by Mary Pope Osborne. He started reading it when he got home and he couldn't put it down. He read it instead of playing video games, he read it instead of eating, he took it to Connors 4H presentation at school and read it there, and when we got home, he laid down on the couch and read, then he took it down to bed to read the last 16 pages. It has 110 pages. Brad loves to read, and I used to read 2 or 3 chapter books a day when I was 10 or 11. I never thought Josh would choose a book over video games. Crazy stuff! Such a huge change and milestone in one day. He never had a problem with doing his reading each day. We'd sit down with his books and he would read out loud, but he never LOVED it. Now I think he does! Time to go find the series......