Motherhood

Motherhood. Yikes. Anybody who is reading this blog probably knows me pretty well, so you are probably not going to be surprised that I do not feel like one of those natural born mothers. And I find it very hard to be a mother. And I do not pretend to be one of those moms who is so thankful for every precious moment spent with her child. I think there are moms who do appreciate every precious moment, and there are moms who don't, but are lying to themselves and others, and there are moms like me who don't lie about it, much to the detriment of her kids. There are some women whose dreams and aspirations are to get married and have kids. I knew that I eventually wanted to get married and have kids, but I did not have that thought plaguing my mind, like some girls. I was very happy and content with my life. VERY.

I graduated from BYU, so I was done with stressful school. I had a job that I loved working Nightwatch at Heritage Schools. I have always been a night person, so this job was ideal for me. I was working overtime most the time and paying off my student loans really quickly. I would go out and paint addresses on curbs for extra money when I had time. I could live on $500 a month. My car was paid off, my job was flexible, I had lots of great friends.....Life was good. I would work for 8 nights straight and then have 6 nights off, so every other week I would take a trip somewhere. Virginia, Chicago, Hawaii, Peru, California, Wyoming, Texas, Vegas, Wendover, Southern Utah, cruises to The Bahamas, Florida Keys, Belize, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, Cozumel......It was fabulous. In the winter I had season passes to Brighton or The Canyons in Park City, and some weeks I was going snowboarding 5 times a week. I had street hockey friends. Midnight street hockey was good fun. I was going out on lots of dates and with many groups of friends. I would scuba dive, snowboard, sky dive, hike, and camp. If I ever had a night off when I wasn't on a trip, I would usually go camping. I had my camping gear in the trunk of my car in the summer and my snowboarding gear in my trunk in the winter. I was healthy and happy.

I wanted to work out of the country, so I got a job with the Navy MWR in Bahrain--a small island country in the Middle East in the Persian Gulf by Saudi Arabia. It was there that I met my hubby. I seriously was not looking for a husband. I had big plans to go to that Navy base in Bahrain with 5,000 single guys, and to have a date for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I was going to save all my per diem and have all my food paid for. Everything was going according to plan. I did have dates for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until one week after I got there. I met Brad at a club in Bahrain and he told me I could either kiss all the other guys out there, or I could kiss him. But it was either him or them. I chose him, thinking that I could always change my mind. We spent as much time as we could together and I knew he was my second chance. I had blown my first chance and couldn't find anyone who could even compare until I met Brad 2 1/2 years later. And I went out with lots of guys. I met great guys on almost every trip I went on. I knew I was one lucky girl and if I blew this one, I may not ever have a 3rd chance. So I took it. I knew in my heart I needed to be with this guy, but I also knew that I would probably just go back home and let him go if we didn't have something serious attaching us together--like marriage, or Josh. Brad knew, too, even faster than I knew (after a week!) We didn't know how getting married in a country like Bahrain would work, so we chose Josh.

And that's how I got to motherhood. And I tell you, people, it is hard! It's so hard to go from the life that I had that was all about me, to being a mom. Your life is not all about you any more. Not at all. The most it is about you anymore is keeping you alive so you can take care of your baby. EVERYTHING in your life changes. Sleeping, eating, working, your body, traveling. I don't know if anyone is really ever totally prepared for this. Some women want it more than others, and some women don't make as many huge life changes as I did. But I think it must be hard for everyone. You kind of hear about what a life changer it is in little bits and pieces, but you can't really grasp it until it happens. Suddenly not only are the big things in your life changed, but you can't even really go to the bathroom by yourself. I think it is a big change for men, too, but not as big as it is for women. We lose our bodies and our health, really, and then we lose our freedom. Since having kids, I have felt like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have very rarely felt the feeling of freedom in the last 8 years. You can't even run out for 5 minutes to grab a drink from the gas station. You can't do anything alone. Even if you prep for it and try to do something without dragging this little person along, they usually mess it up somehow. The kid is hungry or gets sick. You can't just pass this kid off to someone else. He is YOURS. YOU have to take care of him, no matter what. It is almost like the person you were has died, but it is not okay to mourn. You have a totally different identity. I used to be fun and funny and fit, dangit! Not any more.

I love my kids, I really do. I think it would be really lonely to get up in the morning and not hear them singing silly songs to themselves or hear Josh peeing like a race horse and laughing at how much room his bladder must take up in that skinny little body of his. It would be hard to go back to my old identity again if I suddenly didn't have kids. I think I would be very lonely not having 3 kids trying to grab a ride on my foot or hanging onto my shirt so I can pull them around on roller blades everywhere I go to do chores in the house. The feeling of freedom would be so nice, though, and I am looking forward to the day when I don't have to take my kids with me every where I go (getting them all ready and fed and out in the car on time is a beast!) I can't wait. I always say that I do not know if I would do it again if I knew how hard it was going to be, if I didn't know my kids. Now that I know them, I'd have to do it again, but if I didn't know them, I don't know if I would. I do miss my old life. Sigh......