Motherhood

Motherhood. Yikes. Anybody who is reading this blog probably knows me pretty well, so you are probably not going to be surprised that I do not feel like one of those natural born mothers. And I find it very hard to be a mother. And I do not pretend to be one of those moms who is so thankful for every precious moment spent with her child. I think there are moms who do appreciate every precious moment, and there are moms who don't, but are lying to themselves and others, and there are moms like me who don't lie about it, much to the detriment of her kids. There are some women whose dreams and aspirations are to get married and have kids. I knew that I eventually wanted to get married and have kids, but I did not have that thought plaguing my mind, like some girls. I was very happy and content with my life. VERY.

I graduated from BYU, so I was done with stressful school. I had a job that I loved working Nightwatch at Heritage Schools. I have always been a night person, so this job was ideal for me. I was working overtime most the time and paying off my student loans really quickly. I would go out and paint addresses on curbs for extra money when I had time. I could live on $500 a month. My car was paid off, my job was flexible, I had lots of great friends.....Life was good. I would work for 8 nights straight and then have 6 nights off, so every other week I would take a trip somewhere. Virginia, Chicago, Hawaii, Peru, California, Wyoming, Texas, Vegas, Wendover, Southern Utah, cruises to The Bahamas, Florida Keys, Belize, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, Cozumel......It was fabulous. In the winter I had season passes to Brighton or The Canyons in Park City, and some weeks I was going snowboarding 5 times a week. I had street hockey friends. Midnight street hockey was good fun. I was going out on lots of dates and with many groups of friends. I would scuba dive, snowboard, sky dive, hike, and camp. If I ever had a night off when I wasn't on a trip, I would usually go camping. I had my camping gear in the trunk of my car in the summer and my snowboarding gear in my trunk in the winter. I was healthy and happy.

I wanted to work out of the country, so I got a job with the Navy MWR in Bahrain--a small island country in the Middle East in the Persian Gulf by Saudi Arabia. It was there that I met my hubby. I seriously was not looking for a husband. I had big plans to go to that Navy base in Bahrain with 5,000 single guys, and to have a date for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I was going to save all my per diem and have all my food paid for. Everything was going according to plan. I did have dates for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until one week after I got there. I met Brad at a club in Bahrain and he told me I could either kiss all the other guys out there, or I could kiss him. But it was either him or them. I chose him, thinking that I could always change my mind. We spent as much time as we could together and I knew he was my second chance. I had blown my first chance and couldn't find anyone who could even compare until I met Brad 2 1/2 years later. And I went out with lots of guys. I met great guys on almost every trip I went on. I knew I was one lucky girl and if I blew this one, I may not ever have a 3rd chance. So I took it. I knew in my heart I needed to be with this guy, but I also knew that I would probably just go back home and let him go if we didn't have something serious attaching us together--like marriage, or Josh. Brad knew, too, even faster than I knew (after a week!) We didn't know how getting married in a country like Bahrain would work, so we chose Josh.

And that's how I got to motherhood. And I tell you, people, it is hard! It's so hard to go from the life that I had that was all about me, to being a mom. Your life is not all about you any more. Not at all. The most it is about you anymore is keeping you alive so you can take care of your baby. EVERYTHING in your life changes. Sleeping, eating, working, your body, traveling. I don't know if anyone is really ever totally prepared for this. Some women want it more than others, and some women don't make as many huge life changes as I did. But I think it must be hard for everyone. You kind of hear about what a life changer it is in little bits and pieces, but you can't really grasp it until it happens. Suddenly not only are the big things in your life changed, but you can't even really go to the bathroom by yourself. I think it is a big change for men, too, but not as big as it is for women. We lose our bodies and our health, really, and then we lose our freedom. Since having kids, I have felt like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have very rarely felt the feeling of freedom in the last 8 years. You can't even run out for 5 minutes to grab a drink from the gas station. You can't do anything alone. Even if you prep for it and try to do something without dragging this little person along, they usually mess it up somehow. The kid is hungry or gets sick. You can't just pass this kid off to someone else. He is YOURS. YOU have to take care of him, no matter what. It is almost like the person you were has died, but it is not okay to mourn. You have a totally different identity. I used to be fun and funny and fit, dangit! Not any more.

I love my kids, I really do. I think it would be really lonely to get up in the morning and not hear them singing silly songs to themselves or hear Josh peeing like a race horse and laughing at how much room his bladder must take up in that skinny little body of his. It would be hard to go back to my old identity again if I suddenly didn't have kids. I think I would be very lonely not having 3 kids trying to grab a ride on my foot or hanging onto my shirt so I can pull them around on roller blades everywhere I go to do chores in the house. The feeling of freedom would be so nice, though, and I am looking forward to the day when I don't have to take my kids with me every where I go (getting them all ready and fed and out in the car on time is a beast!) I can't wait. I always say that I do not know if I would do it again if I knew how hard it was going to be, if I didn't know my kids. Now that I know them, I'd have to do it again, but if I didn't know them, I don't know if I would. I do miss my old life. Sigh......

Melissa

My very good friend, Melissa, died on January 5th. She was 30 years old and left behind an awesome husband, Danny, and their little 4 year old, Sammy. I am not so good with death. I'm very selfish because I feel so sorry for myself and that I won't have them in my life anymore. I feel so heartbroken for the families they leave and just can't imagine the horror of having something like that happen. It makes me scared that something will happen to Brad or one of my kids, and I seriously think I'd go crazy. I don't think I'd be able to get up out of bed. I don't think it has totally hit me yet, even though I've done plenty of crying. I'm not even sure if the death of my cousin 15 years ago has even really sunk in. Every time I really think about it, it just blows my mind and I can only think that thought for a second, then my mind just forces it out because I can't handle it.

I am missing Melissa and will continue to miss her throughout my life. She was probably the best friend anybody could ever ask for. She had cancer and chemo twice, and I think that gave her a really good idea of what is truly important, because that's how she lived. The most important thing to her were people. Her family and her friends. And everybody could tell by her actions that she knew that was the most important thing in life. We were roommates for about a year, I think. She was always making little craft projects and cookies for her friends. She would send packages home (Southern California) all the time. She spent a good amount of time with her friends--I was one of the lucky ones to get so much of her time--and she was on the phone A LOT talking with her friends. When she moved back to California, we were on the phone a lot and had the best conversations. Deep conversations where we really got to know each other and funny thrown into all of them. Man, was that girl funny!!!!! She made me laugh so much and so hard. Even when I was having a sucky day, she still made me laugh. She made me laugh when SHE was having a sucky day.

I had knee surgery shortly after she moved in and I thought it was so sweet because when I got home, she had bought a bouquet of flowers for me and she helped take care of me even though she thought I was kind of a jerk because I just stayed in my room and didn't help her when she was moving in. (I was working a night job and sleeping during the day, but I really should have helped her. I was just being lazy.) She also thought I was on speed because I never slept and I was always cleaning. She told her friends back home that her roommate was on speed! I had a lot of fun with her as my roommate. After she moved back to California, she came back to Utah (even though she is not a fan of Utah--except for the Jazz) to visit a few times. She treated it like a 10 hour drive was no problem at all and then she would always bring gifts for everyone she stayed with and she would make cookies to take around to all her friends. After I moved to Scotland and Josh was born, we had to come back for immigration stuff when Josh was 4 months old and we went to Northern California and Melissa flew up to see us. She made me feel so good because she didn't care that we didn't do anything but stare at Josh all day. I still feel like she had a love for him that was as close as you could get to my love for him. Sometimes I thought about it and felt like maybe she loved him even more than I loved him. It really makes you feel so good when somebody loves your kids like you love them. She just wanted to stare at him all day. She always said my kids were the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th cutest kids in the world, right behind Sammy. I'm sure she said that about all her friends kids, but still.

After we moved back to Utah, she came to visit just after Connor was born, and again awhile after Kaytlynn and Sammy were born. She met me and Brad in Vegas when we got engaged so she could meet Brad, and she met us briefly at a gas station in Southern California when she was pregnant with Sammy. That's when I met Danny, and instantly loved him! I'm so glad Melissa married Danny. He is such a great guy. She dragged Sammy and Danny to Utah to visit, and Danny was like-"Why Utah?" but came because Melissa said they needed to visit us. Melissa and Danny together=a non stop laugh fest. When Brad and I went on our Mexican Riviera cruise, Melissa and Danny drove all the way to the Long Beach airport to pick us up and then we spent the night with them at a hotel and they drove us to the port the next day. Melissa gave me some all natural stuff to help me sleep because she was concerned about me taking Ambien. She was always doing thoughtful things--sending packages in the mail or encouraging me to do things to make Brad happy. Like cook for him. When I mentioned that I should try couponing, she left me a super long voicemail message telling me exactly how to do it. She was just so thoughtful and loving and caring. Such a good friend.

After her second round of chemo, the doctor said Melissa would not be able to have kids, and then she had Sammy. She looked so cute pregnant! I thought I got a picture, but I couldn't find it. Sammy was a miracle baby, and Melissa was such a good mom. And she was such a good wife. And sister, and daughter. And cousin and friend. I miss that lady!

The Nutcracker

I took Kaytlynn to the Nutcracker ballet in Salt Lake. My mom took me when I was younger a couple of Christmases and Jim took me and Amy when we were in Scotland. I thought it could be a nice little Christmas mom and daughter tradition. She wasn't quite ready for it. She was antsy after 45 minutes and kept moving around. She asked a few times if those were real people. I said yes and she asked "Like on TV?" I'm not sure why she hasn't grasped the concept. She used to be in dance and was in a recital on a big stage, and we've been to plenty of live shows.....Near the end I asked if she was hungry, and she said loudly "No, mom. I just ate some boogers." She was saying she wanted to go home. When we packed up to go to the bathroom, I was ready to take her away, but then she didn't want me to miss the rest. On the way home, I was thinking never again, but then Kaytlynn said that we needed to go again next time to see the parts we missed while we were in the bathroom. So maybe we will try again next year.